Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
Randomize
