I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
