My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
