I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
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