you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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