My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
i think i just lost a toe
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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