Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Hippo gnu deer
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
Randomize
