why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
found the other keg... it's in the tree
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize
