i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Randomize