I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
