dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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