the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
