My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
