genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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