Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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