Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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