Santa Clause just drove by me on a fire truck. Epic night begins.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
Randomize
