I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
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