Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Randomize
