gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
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