You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
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