Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
