No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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