Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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