I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
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