good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Randomize
