then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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