im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
