He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
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