Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
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