Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
Randomize
