I can't watch pbs sober anymore
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
