i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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