So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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