I wish I could punch you in the face.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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