haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
