This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
