my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
This is classic penis vs brain.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
me + whiskey = a bad person
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
