Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
the day after is always just damage control
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
Randomize
