I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
