looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Randomize
