Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
