DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
birth control should be required to get into college
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Randomize
