Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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