Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
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