I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
