so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
Randomize
