I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
