i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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