we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
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