i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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