My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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