Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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