I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize