I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
