Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
