I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
