just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
