Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I have feelings that need drinking.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
