I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
